When did I lose my volatility?
when did I first “suck it up”
and harden my heart?
when did I damn the flow of my rage
or my righteous indignation
when did I learn to apologize
for someone else’s shortcomings?
I remember the first time I pulled out my tape measurer
and quantified my worth
knowing I had to compete for scarce resources
“I’m more lovely than you are” “no I am”
forgetting we all come from the same divine source
when did I start performing
or over-performing sexiness?
mmm… I remember the first taste
of the addicting power of being alluring
I regret being as careful with it as I was
which isn’t saying much
oh I know! I’ll be the most open one
“who’s better, me or HER!?”
fuck monogamy anyway
“sure, sleep with whoever you want,
I don’t care… you’re free”
dozens of nameless suitors
I laid it all out in front of them
come get it
eat your heart out
it’s the only thing that feeds me
doused in flower essences
just to feel wanted, for one night
I hoarded these experiences
like money in a bank
that I could withdraw from whenever I wanted
I liked to think of them out there somewhere
thinking of me
maybe when they made love to the more chosen women
always leave first
never feeling as esteemed
as I did knowing I left them
hungry for me
why couldn’t I feel it when we were together?
it’s nice to think I grew out of this
but even now
his slightest distraction
sucks the vitality right out of me
and i’m left there, arms outstretched
waiting for my next fix
so I can come to life again
this arrangement doesn’t work
but like everything else,
it’s on me to change if I want to survive.
it’s a good thing I’m so practiced
at making things thrive.