Holy fucking love,

With all do respect, fuck you. You’re the piece of shit emotion that started all of this. You seduced me out of unconsciousness without my consent. That’s kind of fucked up. I always thought I wanted you, but why then, when you’re here, do I squint my eyes and push you away. Is it me or is it you? You’re too much sometimes. The amount of you spewing from the people in my life makes my skin crawl to be honest with you. Maybe I’d rather you went away. That sounds kinda nice. Definitely easier, more comfortable. What’s wrong with me that I can’t appreciate you while you’re here?  It’s like the receptors in my brain are too sensitive so I just shut them off. Then I can’t even detect you when you come around. But then I start missing and looking around for you. But oh! You’re always there waiting for me to notice you. How can you be so patient and kind? If I was you, I’d brush me off by now. I’m sorry for how I treat you sometimes. But thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for being so daring to love me that you don’t even need me to love you back. Thank you for waking me up.

 

Holy fucking jealousy,

I think we need to talk about our relationship. Though it’s improved over time, we still got some beef. I think I remember you once trying to tell me that just because he’s attracted to, or wants to fuck or love other people, doesn’t mean he loves me less. Well you know what? Fuck you dude. That feels like some gas-lightin’ bullshit. Even though you’re right- I could give a fuck. I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting to be special. I’m starting to realize you’re a little abusive. But I’m also starting to realize that it turns me on. I guess I’m more masochistic than I’d like to admit because when I feel you in me, my heart flutters, my eyes dilate and my cheeks flush. Totally involuntary. I wish I could relax into you but you overwhelm me. I wish you could go a little slower, warm me up a bit before you fuck me. You catch me off guard by yanking my wrist and pushing me onto the bed. Part of me is so excited for you to hold me down and fuck me, but part of me wants to get up and leave. It’s too hot. Makes me wanna run away, throw away everything and just be alone forever. But instead, could you just hold me tighter? Smother me? Don’t let me leave no matter how hard I try? Thank you for showing my what I desire. Thank you for showing me that it’s ok to acknowledge just how deep that desire goes.

Holy fucking rage,

Ahhhh… don’t tell the others, you’re my fav. Goddamn, I fucking love you so much. When you’re with me, I feel powerful, big, energized, ALIVE! I love seeing the look on everyone’s faces when you and I are together. You’re so hot but the problem with that is that you make me feel too good, too grandiose. My feelings for you seem overwhelming, all-consuming and I can’t do anything else when I’m thinking of you. We go way back, you’ve been a friend of the family for a long time. We seemed estranged for a little bit but I’ve been feelin’ you more lately. But you’re different now. Seems like you’re in a pretty good place and like maybe you’ve lost a little weight? Either way, you look hot. Now, you’ve got that air of experience and wisdom that only come from dating or sleeping around a lot. Seems like everyone in town, in this world has been seeing you. You’ve built up quite a reputation for yourself for which some people judge you, shame you, hate on you but not me; I get you. I think you’re one of the best friends anyone could have. And I think it’s your time. We need you so we can become enlightened.  Thank you for energizing me, empowering me, and reminding me about setting good boundaries with you.

Holy fucking exhaustion,

How have I dealt with you for so long? You’re good at creeping in unnoticed. I feel attachment to you, like I need you or something. I make excuses for you to stay. I find ways to foster you. That may look like overly focusing on frenemies, or saving the “wounded birds”, or just plain avoiding responsibility for my choices. I tell myself not every day can be like burning man. Here in the default world, there’s no playa there to provide. Society rewards and encourages you but unfortunately for you, I’m on to you. I’ve become more sensitive to you. I can feel when you’ve creeped in before you even make a sound. And though we’ve been acquainted for some time, you just don’t fit in my life anymore. You can come visit once in a while but only for short stays. Thank you for getting lazy in your sneakiness so I can detect you better. Thank you for the reminder when things are not aligned.

Holy fucking disillusionment,

Well shit. I don’t know what to say about you. haha, I guess that’s your game, right? To leave me speechless and confused?  Like, here let me just make your car stop working or lose your keys or start a huge blow-out fight with your partner(s) to remind you that you don’t know shit about what you thought you knew. You seem to pop out of nowhere. I’ll be sitting in a group of people I think I want to be close to, feeling like the loneliest girl in the world, check my phone and there’s a smug text from you that says something like ha! you thought you were the boss? That you were better than people? That you can grasp something that’s not yours to have? Like a punch in the gut, adding insult to injury, you’re  sword of truth is usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I had this feeling that I had “arrived” somehow, and now I should teach others. Maybe even save the world or something. But who am i kidding? That’s ego. I’ve trying that bit for as long as I can remember. Thank you for the invitation to stop hiding in co-dependency, compliance, complacency, and false comforts. Thank you for helping me practice circulation and to constantly surrender.

Holy fucking grief, 

Seems like you know always reach out when I’m already down. (Like that asshole ex that you bump in to when you look like crap at the grocery store. )All that’s left to do with you is to walk deep into the forest, clear a small space for my exhausted body and curl up in the fetal position until the wise old crone comes to give me a light. Sigh…thanks for letting that soothing voice coming forward that says, “You’re safe, the whole world is your home, all people your family.”

Holy fucking shame,

You’re a tricky one. I thought I had you figured out. Because of you, I often feel like an imposter- like  maybe my chair shouldn’t be higher than the clients’. Maybe I shouldn’t have the right fucking thing to say. Maybe I am no expert at anything and maybe that’s ok. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with anyone seeing me that way because it could all come crashing down and then who am I? It’s too much to uphold, I’m over it. I want to sit on the ground, with my legs crossed and say “I don’t have any idea what advice to give you or the right question to ask you but I can see that you’re struggling and I empathize. I empathize so much that I ache with you and I see your inherent goodness and I fucking love you”. I wish I could say that to myself too.  Thank you for being the mirror and showing me where I still need to grow.

Holy fucking joy,

I do love how you pop in when I least expect it. Like how sometimes you’re so mad and sad that you have to just laugh at yourself. Like when I’ve ugly cried for so long it starts to sound like the most ridiculously ecstatic laugh. You’re like that manic pixie dream girl friend that just shows up on my doorstep after years of no contact. We’d stay up all night talking and catching up and everything else would get put on hold when we’re together. But you know, it can’t last forever, some people are busy trying to save themselves in a crazy world. But I could spend more intentional time with you. I don’t know why I don’t. I love when you’re in town. Or maybe I could come visit you more. Or maybe we could go on a lil vacay together?

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