As soon as I wrote that title, I’m like of course! Duh! But no, seriously, I’m very conflicted about some of my proclivities and whether or not they’re even sexual? And if that’s ok? I’ve only recently learned that yes, it can be!

I’ve spent a lot of my time reflecting on my sexuality and I think I’ve come a space of not trying to make it fit into any category. I accept that who, what, when and how much I’m attracted to someone/something is always evolving. Some days I’ll masturbate several times a day to a variety of porn and then sometimes I’ll go a month without thinking any kind of sexual activity sounds fun.

Some days I feel like I’m a lesbian and other days I feel like I’m a gay guy trapped in a woman’s body and all I think about is penises. My partner thinks this is when I’m ovulating but I don’t know, that seems a little bit like biological reductionism to me.  Whatever the explanation is, I’ve learned to see this as perfectly fine. Even more than fine, I think it’s fantastic! How exciting to be changing this much and exploring new parts of yourself? I don’t have to define it or commit to any identity. I’m a dynamic person and my sexuality is on of the most dynamic parts of me.

Over the last year or so, I started to gravitate towards BDSM. I consider myself a dabbler. I mean, I have a fetlife account, a Two Knotty Boys instruction book on rope play and a couple kinky partners but I don’t think I’m really “in” that community. So the idea that you can partake in BDSM kinks without the goal or result being sexual arousal may already be an established and accepted viewpoint (and I hope that it is), but I just don’t personally know that much about it.

My kinks include an interest in power play or D/s (Dom/sub), rope bondage, orgasm control, edging, voyeurism, group sex and probably more that I’m just not thinking of. About a year ago I met a Dom in person and connected with him on fetlife. I told him about my attraction to the idea of dominating someone and we discussed a mentoring relationship. He was playing with a sub at the time that wanted to be dominated by another woman. It was so much fun, though, sometimes it felt like there was a hierarchy; he was dominating me telling me to dominate her. However, I did feel powerful and in control much of the time (even of him sometimes).

I’ve had several other experiences of exercising control; many with that couple I played with and some another guy, I’ll call him Eli, that I dated for a while. One of the hottest threesomes of my life was when my lesbian friend and I tied Eli (this straight, pretty vanilla guy) up and just dominated the fuck out of him. It was fun because he was a challenge, he admitted to wanting to be dominated but not wanting to just roll over and submit so it was a struggle to get him tied up. But the best part was being in control of when Eli got to do what he wanted to do. There was point when my girl friend was fucking me on top of him with a feel-do (like a strap on but one end goes in her and the other in me) and he was begging to have his hands untied so he could touch us. We denied his request until he begged and we felt like untying one of his hands. So hot. I realized I’m really into making people wait, and having some sort of psychological control. I also just admire the creativity that comes from finding ways to tie people up comfortably and securely.

When Eli and I would have sex just the two of us it was also such a fun interplay of power both physically but also emotionally/psychologically. He was much physically stronger than me but was into the idea of getting tied up and letting me be physically in control. But then I’d untie him and because he’d have all this pent up energy and aggression, he would just fucking ravish me. My heart still races when I think of the moment that I’d untie him (we called it unleashing the beast), knowing that I was completely (and willfully) at his mercy. He always wanted to tie me up though and the thought of it made my palms sweat and I never let him do it. He ended up moving away about a year ago and I haven’t had another individual relationship like that since.

I thought a lot about why the idea of me being tied up is terrifying and I know it has something to do with my fear of vulnerability. I can’t imagine myself sitting there tied up with someone eyeing me, desiring me, or SEEING me. It just makes me squirm. At first, I concluded that maybe it’s because he was a man. Maybe I’ve been subjected to and resentful of the male gaze for so long that agreeing to engage in an intense activity reenacting that feels like a regression. Maybe I was secretly scared of him or didn’t fully trust him or something. Maybe I was afraid that he’d see the real me and not really like it anymore. I still don’t know and I’m still curious.

I went to the orgy dome at Burning Man this year with about 10 of my friends (only 2 of whom I knew before Burning Man). One was the woman from the couple that I play with in my hometown so I’ve dominated her before. She had a friend Miss A who was a femme Domme and really knowledgeable about rope bondage. I told Miss A that I’m terrified of being tied up but that I felt connected to her and wanted to challenge myself to try it. So she ties me up there in the orgy dome in a room full of about 100 people. Now mind you, most of them were really engaged in fucking each other so I doubt many were just watching me but still, for someone afraid of being tied up, it was pretty scary.

To my pleasant surprise, I felt incredibly comfortable, nurtured, protected and safe. It was such an amazing feeling. She had complete control and I think I was tied up for a long time but felt like I could have stayed like that for wayyyy longer. I did sit on my female friend’s face while I was tied up but I don’t recall the experience of being tied up as being sexually arousing. It was more of the psychological experience of trust and safety that was memorable.

I really want to explore more about getting tied up and of course tying people up but I don’t know if I find being tied up sexually arousing and I don’t want to push it. I think I felt like it would have to be sexual in order for me to do it so I haven’t felt drawn to it. Now I’m feeling more acceptable to the idea that it doesn’t have to be sexual and I don’t have to be aroused by it to be interested in it.

I know I get so turned on be seeing a man or woman splayed out and tied down in front of me but when I’m in rope (though this is only based on one experience) I feel like I’d rather not be the object of sexual desire. I think I’d love if they were turned on just by the act of doing it but I wouldn’t want to feel like I had to sexually please them or feel pressure to be sexually aroused myself. I was feeling bad about this and feeling like that wasn’t possible or desirable for others but you know what? That’s what I want and I’m sure there are others who are into it too!

Through all of this, I realized I’m pretty “switchy” but I see that I have so much more to discover regarding the details. Like, does it depend on the gender of the person? Do I like being psychologically dominant but physically submissive or vice versa? Do I like the friction and pressure built up by switching in the same session? I guess I have to remember that I don’t have to decide or commit to anything.  I do know what I’ve liked and what I’d like more of based on experiences. And I know now more than ever, that I can have what I want don’t have to do anything I don’t want just to win the approval of others or fit into a community or an identity. I’m only responsible for having some awareness in myself, and trying my best to communicate that to those with whom I’m connected. It’s the most liberating thing in the world. Such a relief!!

 

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