vomit hearts

I’m just sitting here reflecting on my mixed emotions about Valentine’s day. On the one hand, I get the whole “it’s a capitalist, consumer, made-up holiday”; “everyday is Vday if you’re in the right relationship” blah blah blah. Believe me, I get it.

I don’t even consider myself sentimental but for some reason, Vday is still a big deal to me when I’m in a relationship. Maybe it’s how I grew up. I always saw my dad make an extra effort for my mom every Valentine’s day and he still sends me something sweet too. I think there’s something truly beautiful about having one day out of the year where we collectively remember to SHOW our love for the people in our lives. Sure, we shouldn’t NEED a consumer holiday to do it but I think it helps to have it in our group think and encourage each other to do it at least one day out of the year.

My partner and I have been radically practicing clearly stating what we want and need. It’s easy to make assumptions and I’ve been guilty of wanting my partner to do something, not telling him and then getting mad when he didn’t read my mind. I’m getting better though I swear!

So this year as Vday approached, I literally said, “hunny bunny, I want to do something special together on Valentine’s day”. He laughed and agreed.

I think that’s why I was so butthurt when my partner decided to attend an orgy rather than hang out with me on Valentine’s day.

Some have asked why I didn’t go with him? Good question! Whelp, I wasn’t allowed. For once in the history of orgies, there were “too many women” says the female organizer of the event… ;P

Ok so of course, we could have planned something for another day because there was this event happening on Vday that he REEEEEALLLY wanted to go to. And I agreed. And rationally, it truly does make sense. But the heart is not always rational and I have to admit, I was hurt.

But because this was literally a dream come true for him to be invited to an orgy with a bunch of new sexual partners, there really was nothing I could say that would change his mind about attending. I should mention that this certainly wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last orgy that has happened in our relationship. You can read about our first one here.

I told him how I felt and he said he wished I could just be supportive and be happy for him. So I worked on that. Because that is who I want to be. I would love to not have felt let down that my partner wanted to go fuck other people on a day that I ashamedly put a lot of stock into. Trust me I’d love that! But fuck, it’s hard.

So a week or so went by and I didn’t really think about it. I even remember thinking how many more important things I have to think about rather than one evening that my partner is choosing to do something without me.

never chase pic

But then the day arrived and I was full of expectations. I tried not to be. I tried to remember all of the things I mentioned earlier about how it’s just a stupid holiday, we can do something another day, tried to remember a lot of the ways he does show me consideration and appreciation. But if I’m honest, I felt really slighted.

I wanted to sit at home and sulk but instead I got all dolled up and went out to a friend’s party. I had a great night laughing and playing strip jenga with good friends. I didn’t even think about what my partner was up to or that I didn’t have my lover with me for Valentine’s day. I even felt a lot of joy and compersion when I saw the other couples at the party loving up on each other. It was quite beautiful!

If nothing else, this experienced helped me confirm for myself what is appropriate to expect, how to cope when my expectations aren’t met and how to take care of myself when I need a little extra love. I think next year, I’ll just be my own valentine and make sure I plan something really cute for myself regardless of my relationship status.