Looking back on my life, I realize that I lost touch with my sense of power somewhere along the way. In kindergarten, I was held back because I was too “bossy”. I had male classmates that wanted to serve me and I loved it. I had a chair-puller-outer, someone to go get my pencils for me, people to reserve seats for me in the lunchroom etc. A natural born queen.
But I learned that was bad behavior, that something was wrong with me for acting like that. Over the years as I developed more and more insecurities and self-doubt, I started to externalize my power, slowly giving pieces of it away to others over time. It started to go underground, surfacing only in my dreams.
For a while, I was completely unaware that it was bubbling just below the surface. I was completely disconnected from my desires, wants and needs. This manifested into relationships that I was unhappy in but unable or unwilling to do anything about. The most extreme example was my complete celibacy (not even masturbating!!) for a year without even noticing.
I think this source of power attracted my current relationship because it was ready to be awakened. This is the first romantic relationship I have been in that held a mirror to me and forced me to look at how was living my life and using my power. At first, it was a false sense of power that appeared. I tried to manipulate and control my partner with my emotions, reactions, threats, outbursts etc. Looking back, I can see those behaviors as a result of my power stumbling into the light after sitting in the dark for too long.
When those old tricks didn’t work, I went through a period of disillusionment. It’s been a long, scary and uncertain road. I could write whole articles on this process of disillusionment and realizing that my old defenses no longer served me and got me what I wanted; but I’ll suffice it to say that I found a good therapist, did some shadow work, spent hours journaling, reading self-help books and processing with my partner and friends. The entire way, my power never left my side. It softly called me to be still enough to feel it in its entirety.
I can’t point to a single incident or moment when I moved into the center of this power. I think it happened in bits and pieces over time. It was a collection of moments of being tapped into it and remembering how I got there. Eventually, neural pathways and muscle memories were formed (still forming actually) and it became easier and easier to come back to that spot whenever I wanted.
The most outward expression of this is expressed through my sexuality. I’ve been getting into BDSM and honing my skills as a Domme. The consensual exchange of power and control really gives me a chance to try out my power and get more comfortable relishing in it.
Now that I’ve become more comfortable being centered in my power, I have the opportunity to fine tune it to my liking. So now what? Maybe I’ll get back into my yoga and mindfulness practices which are times when I feel closest to the source of my essence. Maybe I’ll learn more shamanism and medicine practices. Maybe I’ll try out some more rope techniques and integrate the D/s lifestyle into my daily life.
Whatever I do, I know that it will be my choice. If I get lost along the way, I feel more confident than ever that I know my way back to my self, my essence, my strength, my power.